Greetings fellow music lovers, how are you feeling?
Well since my last correspondence a lot has happened, I have continued with my research into the crippling disease cheesitus, and its effect on decent electronic music but more on that later perhaps. For the moment I would like to bring to your attention a few ideas we have been playing with here at the University of Radical Grooves, based in Portsmouth.
For a long time scientists have been playing with the idea of genetically altering dance music, so as it would appeal to a older audience. People over the age of sixty five have been recognised as having a large disposable income from their pensions. Here at the university feel this money would be better channelled if redirected to the pockets of young and struggling gabba artists, such as the world wide famous, ‘Nutter Hardcore Force’, or the underground, ‘Mad Bastard Nutter Squad’. Also there is the forgotten talents of alternative hip hop crews , namely groups like the infamous, ‘Bitch Uzi Rap Murderers’, and Glasgow’s freshest talent, ‘Ya Mamma’s Fat Ass’.
We feel by redirecting this flow of money artists can thrive and create some of the world’s most distinguishable sounds. The proposal is to form an organisation, under the banner of P.I.F.F.L.E, (Pensioners In Favour of Free Love and Ecstasy), it’s purpose is for our older generation to enjoy the delights of ‘bangin beats’ and ‘break dancing’. After many hours of research it has been decided to do this, because dance music has got to be radically re-altered to suit the market. Here at the university we have set out a list of proposals to achieve this goal, here they are, as follows:
1) All nighters will now become ‘All dayers’, they will start at 6am, and will go onto 8pm or until Coronation Street or Eastenders begin. The chill out tent at these raves will be replaced by a small vegetable garden and park bench.
2) Jungle music will be radically slowed down to approximately 70 bpm, so those over the age of seventy five will have some chance of dancing to it.
3) Techno will have its beats removed, especially Detroit techno. The reason for this is to make more accessible for pensioners and leave it sounding like classical music.
4) Ambient music will become totally silent, and will be called ‘Nice Ambient’. The reasons for this will become clear, but it is believed by making it totally silent pensioners will buy it in their millions.
5) Gabba is also to become silent, artists are to ‘tone down’ their names as to attract older fans. From now on groups will bear the names such as ‘Rotterdam have a nice day crew’, or simply ‘The weathers nice’.
6) Hip hop will also have a large face lift, so the lyrics, which in the past have come into some criticism can be changed to attract a fresh crowd. Tracks like NWA’s ‘Straight Outta Compton’, will now have the lines:
“Straight outta nursing home
Is a mutha that’ll make yer a nice cup of tea”.
7) Finally Reggae will have translated versions instead of dubs, these translations will interpret the Jamaican lyrics and replace them with Queen’s English, so those who fought in the war can understand what the artists are talking about. Theres nothing worse than getting your ‘batty rider’ mixed up with your ‘bomba clot’.
With any luck these changes will be brought into action very soon so those too old to ‘large it’ can enjoy the wonders of club culture. With the support of politicians such as Michael Howard MP, things will hopefully begin to happen. Till next time, keep your pecker up, Dr L.S.Duppenis, PH.D., M.D.M.A, BSc.