Available online at www.patheticscientist.com
Journal of Medical Negligence
Patient Choice in Medical Errors
Dr. Leonard Stamford Duppenis, Dr. Peter Doom, Dr. Et Al, Et Al.
School of Misguided Thought, University of Barnsley, South Yorkshire, Popular People’s Republic of Yorkshire.
Received 29 April 1995, received in revised form 16 May 1995, received in revised form 20 June 1995, received in revised form 1 July 1995, received in revised form 23 July 1995, received again in revised form 6 August, accepted at gunpoint 9 August 1995.
For many years the practice of prescribing the wrong medication, removing the incorrect limb or even switching off the wrong piece of life saving machinery has blighted the medical practice. Thousands of patients have met untimely deaths due to the negligence of over-tired doctors and over-worked nurses.
Research by the organisation Doctors Are Not Gods (DANG) have argued: “that there has been a marked increase in the number of patients dying at the hands of people who think that they are the shit.”
Following research carried out by Duppenis, Doom and Al, we have advised the British Medical Association that wider choice should be offered to patients in which way they should be incorrectly dealt with and disposed of.
The medical profession in general concedes that the eradication of medical errors is virtually impossible due to several determining factors: these include, working practices, stupidity, lack of communication, alcohol, drugs, and betting .
We carried large amounts of research in several hospitals and found that patients feel happier if they were kept in touch with the errors awaiting them, rather than have the surprise of finding that the wrong kidney had been taken out and replaced with a scalpel.
Due to costing issues, patients would only have a limited selection of medical errors to choose from for their own particular ailment, for this we have devised a comprehensive scaling table in Microsoft Excel. For example, a patient with a future incorrect dosage could instead request for their ventilator to be ‘accidentally’ switched off or for them to incur a rather nasty fall down the stairs whilst going to the toilet unaided.
At the other end, patients awaiting a major operation could expect of whole range of problems and complications. A patient expecting to have a heart transplant could in turn chose to have excessive amounts of morphine pumped into their body, thus protecting their family from the anguish of finding out that their loved one’s new heart had in fact been fitted upside down. From our research we found that the costing involved would be negligible, with the money put aside for malpractice claims still being used for the same purpose.
We believe that this change in practice would give a more hands on feel for the patient and the knowledge that their death was in some part their own fault.
In turn we believe that the doctor would be allowed a guilt free conscience and more free time in the pursuit of becoming a god, chasing nurses and smoking.
Key words: god, who art in heaven, hallow be they name, thy kingdom come, thou shalt be done.
This usually occurs at medical schools, in which student doctors bet on who can be the most original when it comes down to killing a patient.