INSTITUTE OF BANGIN’ TOONS PUBLISHING               MASH UP MEDICINE QUARTLEY
Ma Up Med Quart. 12 (1998) 546-553                               IBTP S0955-(04)63399-1

Determining the Relationship Between Monkeys and Hard House Records (CHEESE)

Dr. Leonard Stamford Duppenis and Professor Philip J Ruttle

University of James Brown Breaks, PO Box 176, Slough, England.

E-mail funkydrumer@schoolbreaks.ac.uk

Received 11 May 1998, accepted for publishing 9 June 1998
Published 28 October 1998

Abstract
This abstract shows an insight into the hard work conducted initially by DJ Billy Banter and his experiments that took place in late 1996 which found that if you took a infinite amount of monkeys and a infinite amount of ‘cheesy house records’ you could have the basis for a ‘super club’.
With the addition of an agent namely, two Technics turntables and a mixer, eventually you will have a finite amount of cheesy house DJs. For this experiment we took ten monkeys, two Asian, three West African, two from North Africa and three from the Scunthorpe’s Council Town Planning Committee. We found the West African monkeys took to the art of mixing with some ease, and concluded that this was a result of hearing tribal drums and having some idea of rhythm. While the Scunthorpe Monkeys found the concept of four beats to the bar impossible to understand but did offer a solution to Swindon’s traffic calming problems. The Asian monkeys were able to understand the concept but had universally agreed that it was below them to play such tripe.

The North African monkeys found the concept of four beats to the bar impossible to understand, but gave the most startling results as they totally ignored the turntables, in favour of utilizing the headphones for a microphone, a local businessman saw their potential and turned them into a boy band. The general interest shown by the media towards the North African monkeys resulted in them being offered residencies in famous clubs throughout the country. Two of the monkeys still DJ regularly on the circuit, but sadly the third one died of a champagne overdose. Thanks to hard work of Monkey’s for Chill Out Campaign the three from Scunthorpe have adapted back into normal life through the medium of ambient traffic planning.
We compared out experiments with the infamous ‘Rhino Hard House Tests’, that took place in 1995, in which five African Rhinos were introduced to hard house via mix tape compilations. This resulted in the needless deaths of two lab assistants and a rabbit called Barry Symmonds. We concluded that it may only be a matter of time before these monkeys decide to go into making music, and the recent club headlines, in which one of the monkeys opened his own club with help thanks to his rich soap star girl friend have little consequence to real house music. In conclusion we find that the writing may already be on the wall. It reads “Dress up of fuck off.”

Keywords: Banging, havin’ it large, tune, sorted mate, this club’s s**t.